she was painting her toenails when she got the news. struggling with the lid of the nail polish, she answered on the fourth ring.

before it sank in fully, she had already dropped the phone.

the color drained from the room, ebbing from the lamp shades and the curtains, dulling the upholstery and the carpet to a muted glow. suffocation squeezed her heart like a myriad of tiny tightening ribbons punctuated by an adder's persistent sting. mutely she stared at the nail polish in its bottle, glossy red droplets dripping down the side from the hastily replaced brush. a litany ran through her head like a series of commandments. i will not eat. i will not sleep. i will not talk. i will not breathe.

she marvelled at the puppeteer controlling her body as it stood up and briefly wondered if it was god.

a soft, warm sponge gently wiped her mind clean. the objects she encountered no longer had definition in form or function. dazedly she stepped outside and tried to recollect what the object in her driveway was before dismissing the effort. she sat on the bench, tracing her finger along the chipped paint of its hard wooden surface, watching a small drop of blood pool up where a sliver of wood had entered, she tilted the finger back and forth, watching the sun play with the dark red surface. she sat there some time. she shifted on the bench; it felt hard, real, uncomfortable.

quietly the forms around her regained their outlines and again had substance, suffused with painfully over-bright hues, overtaking her consciousness like wind over blades of grass, gently bending each thought, leaving brief impressions that hardened into wooden memories. her mind now raced with the quiet din of what had come to pass.

a new litany began. i loved. i was loved. i love still.

a beginning and an end

Once upon a time a child was born whose parents loved him very much.

...

That night the boy went to sleep and dreamt that everything was perfect and no one was ever sad.

may 21, 1964

I had that dream again last night, the one where Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny loom menacingly in front of me, gongs sounding in the background, cameras pointed at me, and all I feel is pure, abject fear. I told my wife about it, and she told me to stop hitting the hooch so often. It's her answer to everything. The thing is, I've started to see them in my waking life, too. If I see a man with a white beard out of the corner of my eye, I break out in that same cold sweat, and only sheer willpower keeps me from running like hell in the other direction. We now never visit Jane and Howard, friends of ours, ostensibly because they've become too busy since they had the fourth kid, but I've been maneuvering us away - they have a white cat.

Went to the bar after work with a couple buddies, that dream was in my head all day, I was hoping a few stiff ones might knock it right back out. It worked like a charm. A few hours of banter and I was feeling pretty good, walking home in the crisp evening air, I even felt up to seeing my wife. I can bear her disappointment better when everything is a little bit muted, when my brain is a little bit numb. And I can certainly bear it better without the fear that Santa Claus is lurking around the corner to get me. Sheesh, like I don't got enough problems.

She didn't seem as willing to see me as I was to see her, however. She greeted me with a cold, appraising look, then turned heel into the kitchen to remove supper from the oven. "I kept it warm for you," she said.

"Thanks, honey," I replied, grabbing her waist to pull her in for a kiss - or so I thought, but she flinched and wiggled away.

I sighed, grabbed the plate she offered, then skulked into the den. I settled into a book while eating, dropping bits of casserole on the oriental carpet that I ignored, tonight, I wasn't in the mood.

Gretchen

I pull the trigger and the wall behind her is sprayed red. I know she isn’t dead though. Gretchen is too big of a pain in the ass to die easily.

“You bastard,” she spits. “You God damned bastard.”

But this isn’t a movie. This isn’t a novel. This is payback. This is business. Hell, this is pleasure. There will be no long winded speech. I walk up to her, put the barrel against her temple, and paint the rest of the room.

Sarah has dinner ready for me when I get home. Meatloaf. It must be Friday.

“How was your day?” she asks.

“Fine. Good. Same as usual,” I say. This is not a lie.

Daybreak.

Last night I dreamt that I was driving in a snow storm, and when I opened my eyes I was staring at the muted sun coming through the hotel room's curtains.

Kelly and the Atheist

i take 'show me the whey' for my protein
and a lot of 'cell tech' for strength
I eat soy and tofu
right on, good for the mind/body
i always have 2 cups of green tea , daily, as well.
loaded with anti-oxidants
I dunno ...I have a toxic gland system ...it hasn't improved as of yet
unfortunate
I am told I will have thyroid cancer soon
take "STERINOL"
but I try to argue
that balances the immune system, kelly
it's lisenced under "MODUCARE"
i take it daily
I believe that whole food nutrients are best
you'll never end up with any cancer if you juice and take that, aging/cancerous growths are only 15% genetic , the rest is up to you
sternal is a good choice, kelly
how toxic can it be, if not passed well ..I had to give up certain herbal remedies for that reason
0% side effects in a study done by 24,000 recipiants
my body "holds" toxins intead of releasing them
take 1 capsule t.i.d. the immune system will begin to balance out the entropy
I am pretty bloated
I use to do a goldenseal flush ..until it made me real sick
you'll get more chance of a symptom from eating a cheese sandwhich
I drink but hardly pee
sucks
water retention?
it dosen't hurt, docs ask me that continuously ..I just sit and push but nothing ugh
bladder infection, perhaps? glomular capsulitis?
kidney stone, or is this an ongoing thing?
I have had catheter tests and when given antibiotics, nothing works
goin' on 14 yrs
i was about to mention a cath, yeah
does it hurt when you, umm, have..... ?
yes, but thats a whole nother issue ...my uterus "fell" in that accident
ahh, i see.
metaphorically speaking , of course
I was stretched, damn fire-medic fools
but ofcourse "they" say I was inconscious
liars
naturally
well, i think you'll do what it takes to get out of this physical situation, one way or another
you're on a positive path, i see that, which is a great foundation
I had a 13 million dollar lawsuit but my Mother dropped it when I woke up from my coma because the hosp found out I wasn't a minor, but I was never informed or anything
damn
expect a good book coming out of this